There she was empty, thirsty, and lost. She was looking for something that no one could give her. Her thirsty soul vibrates anytime someone brings the past to remembrance. The weight of her anger fills the emptiness of her soul. Nothing anyone says or do could move her to reason beyond the periscope of her vision. She has refused to accept perspective from any differing thoughts to hers. It must be her way or no other way.
Her mission was revenge at all costs. No one was going to convince her otherwise. She breathes and walks in vengeance each day which is the only motivation that keeps her alive. The eyes of her hungry soul can only be satisfied when she smells the closeness of revenge.
You can judge her if you want, but you can never understand what it feels like walking in her shoes. You can never understand the pain of her loss or the nightmares interrupting her life for over two decades after witnessing the horrible death of her father.
She has grown so used to their regular visits that she built a residential castle in the depth of her soul for the familiar nightmares. Her mother and loved ones had pleaded with her on countless occasions, but they never made it to the hearing of her ears. Why can’t they leave her to carry out her mission? She is at the crossroad of a dead end and has no desire to collide with mercy or forgiveness. Where was mercy when her world got shattered decades ago?
Unforgiveness and bitterness were the cancer of her heart. And singlehandedly, she has nursed and nurtured them at her breast. It’s been a long route for her to boycott now. Not now, not ever.
When love came knocking, it was a battle to win her heart. Letting down her guard will exhibit the vulnerability of her empty, angry soul. So she pushed love away and had no desire for a relationship.
Let go, Kulema, she heard the inner-gentle whisper of her heart. Kulema, free yourself.
The news of the court proceedings about her revenge didn’t seem to fill the void. Every update widens the vacuum she tries to seal with anger.
Then her health took a toll on her body. Hit with distressing news, the doctor gave her a death sentence. Her days on earth shorten her dream of revenge shattered, her best friends (anger and bitterness) couldn’t provide any comfort but rage and despair.
Helpless lying on her bed, she asked for water, but it couldn’t quench her. She asked for a cuppa, but its warmth couldn’t satisfy her inner thirst.
‘Unlock the prisoners you have held captive in your heart Kulema, her mother whispers. They cannot help you now. Your brokenness needs mercy and grace. And only The Lord can give you perfect healing, take the weight off your heart, and quench your thirsty soul. He will fill the void with His love and compassion.’ Struggling to come to terms with her mother’s advice, Kulema couldn’t comprehend how letting go of her revenge plan will save her soul and bring joy into her life.
Then she heard her Mum singing her favourite childhood song;
“Let Your Living Water flow over my soul
Let Your Holy Spirit come and take control
Of every situation that has troubled my mind
All my cares and burdens on to you I roll.”
Her Dad’s best song and one he taught her at the age of six. Now hearing her Mum sing that song, Kulema broke into tears, rolled-off her bed and fell on her knees sobbing. ‘Daddy, I missed you so much it hurts. Why did you leave me behind? Why did the arm robbers kill you?’
Her Mum knelt next to her and wrapped her arms around her. Falling into her arms and onto her chest, she cried even louder, why Mummy. Why did Daddy leave us so soon? ‘We will see him again one day, her Mum replied. But for now, I need you to forgive those men and free yourself from this heavy burden.’ I tried Mum, but I can’t do it on my own. ‘Yes, you are right. You can not do it alone. Hand it over to The Lord.’ “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” He will fight for you and heal your troubled heart. Please, Kulema, free yourself from this prison of anger, bitterness and revenge.’
Mum, I have wasted over two decades of my life with no friends but on a mission against the families of those men who ended Dad’s life. How can I get those wasted years back? I am almost 30 and spent over 1/3 of my life in this prison. Now I got a life-threatening report from the doctor. Where do I start? Every good thing in me died when Dad left us. I don’t know what forgiveness feels like, and I don’t have joy. Laughter left me decades ago, I have no friends, and I don’t know how to start again or get up from this dead-end.
Staring into space, her Mum replied, “For there is hope for a tree if it is cut down, that it will sprout again and that its tender shoots will not cease. Though its root may grow old in the earth, and its stump may die in the ground, yet at the scent of water, it will bud and bring forth branches like a plant.” Let the river of His love flow over the desert places of your heart. And His living water into the wilderness of your soul, to give drink to your barren life, and watch Him birth a new life in you henceforth.
Mum, I want this living water.
‘He is right here with you, Kulema. Jesus has never left your side. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” Just call on Him, Kulema my child.’
Are you in a desert place?
Do you feel stuck in a wilderness situation?
Has anger and bitterness left you in a barren land?
Open the doors of your heart to Jesus, and let His Living Water flow into every area of your life. There is no situation He cannot turn around and birth something new and beautiful.
Comments are welcome.